Partially Emo Thesis Writing Session

Di ko alam kung gaano ito ka-related sa senior research ko pero feeling ko I'm on to something so isusulat ko bago ko pa pagsawaang isipin. I remembered because someone said he'd call. Phone calls make me nervous, especially 'pag sa landline or when I  have to do the calling. So hindi rin ako sumasagot ng landline. Actually, ang nanay lang ang sumasagot ng phone sa bahay na ito. Haha. Nase-stress ako lalo 'pag lalaki ang tumatawag. Because of that, I can't help feeling that my life is a set of different worlds na ako lang ang common element. Well, almost. Napaka-disconnected. I want it to be more integrated by introducing each world to the others. Wouldn't it be nice if your friends were also friends and your family treated your friends like their own? But that just might not work all because of my parents' conservative view of family, friends and relationships.

My parents' concept of family is limited to kin. More prejudiced towards blood relations. Generally analogous to pre-colonial Philippines-- or should I call it pre-Philippines? Details confuse me so I won't go into them. Before colonization, the inhabitants of these islands lived in groups which weren't necessarily in good relations. These groups were determined by kin. Their relations with other groups, thus, would be determined by what is good for their own. I love my own, kumbaga. It's but natural to love your own pero yung "own" nila ay limited to kin. And so, may implications ito sa pakikihalubilo sa iba.

Iba yung concept ko ng family. The biological and marital aspects still apply but I've adopted the Christian notion of the Other. I care about a broader set of people. The additions I call friends. The extensions I call classmates. The boundaries I call colleagues (inclusive of faculty and staff, for lack of a better term), since the furthest stretch of my everyday existence until graduation is the university.     In some sense, I represent the Spanish change to the "self-concept". 그런데 I was still raised under a more limited "self-concept" so I couldn't help behaving differently around different sets of people, resulting in different conceptions by the Other. Ako ang gag*ng houseclown para sa aking immediate family, ang bully para sa aking younger cousins and relatives, almost invisible to the older relatives, nerdy and aloof to my teammates, I'm not sure what my friends perceive of me, but to most others I'm the Ever-quiet-one. No matter what they think of me, I recognize their good to be of equal worth. Mine's not better than theirs. My family's not better than friends'. My friends' not better than mere acquaintance's. And I don't mind going out of my way once in a while for someone else's sake. Of course I love more those close to me, but I shall never consider acceptable putting on the line an innocent stranger's well-being for the sake of a loved one.  I don't even like harming poor defenseless insects. This extension to non-human creatures I take to represent the American change to the "self-concept." Of course this is not to justify colonialization. I am not trying to justify anything just yet. This pretty much constitutes my Chapter II. Hahanapan ko na lang ng academic back up. Yey! XD

Now back to personal matters. Aside from my parents' distinction between friends and family, they are very stubborn about their distinction between friends and suitors. Any non-family male is a potential suitor. All male friends are potential lovers. Parang mahirap sa kanilang iimagine na pwedeng hindi maging romantically involved ang babae at lalaking magiging ganun ka-close. They have a very practical view on love. It's as if proximity is the sufficient condition. Hindi na nila kinount na hindi ako passive receiver lang, that I have standards, that I am a moral agent. This have resulted to a lot of emotional issues they think they've saved me from. Objectively, I understand why they are the way they are. Subjectively, I resent how they've constructed things. Asarin na ko ng lahat, wag lang ng immediate family ko. I simply can't stand it.

Which is why I had to refuse a best friend's offer to talk on the phone. Matagal ko na siyang 'di nakakausap talaga at feeling ko may problema pa siya nun pero pinairal ko na rin ang restrictions na I don't even believe in (at binabalewala ko naman dati)  at finactor-in ko pa ang tampo ko sa mga hindi niya pagrereply. Birthday pa naman niya ngayon. Now I feel rather guilty for accepting an odd friend's request. For academic purposes naman, though I can't help but wonder if acads really ought to weigh more than personal matters. I was more willing to endure aggravations provoked by an academic related call than by a personal one. Makes me feel more guilty. But then again, the odd friend asked outright while the best friend merely hinted about being troubled. I was studying both times. Odd friend wouldn't ask unless he really needed to. Best friend wouldn't contact me if he could talk to his girlfriend about it. Nalungkot ako bigla. Ganun ba talaga pag stable na ang lablayp? We're drifting apart. Pag nagkabalikan kaya si odd friend at ang mahal niya, kakausapin pa kaya niya 'ko? Hahaha.

Well, anyway dapat pumayag na lang ako sa pareho. The funny thing about time is when you ask others for theirs, you give them yours in return. And that's what I asked for Christmas. Another funny thing is that I would have spent as much time figuring out how to act natural in front of the people of this household for both calls. Ia-announce ko ba na may tatawag? Deadma ba as if I wans't expecting it? Kastress! Paradoxically, the more natural you try to act, the less natural it turns out. And the more natural reaction would be to not act natural. 어떻게? This isn't supposed to be a big deal. I resent that it has turned into one. I wish I didn't have to be so on guard regarding such matters with the family. Alam nyo yung feeling na you have to protect people from the people protecting you?

But anyway, it went smoother than I imagined. Nicer than I expected. Nobody suspected. Nakatulong lang nga rin sana. Haha.